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The death of those we love and to whom we are bound by the ties of shared experiences is one of the greatest traumas in life. No one, however toughly armored, is quite prepared for it, and no one knows precisely how to behave in the face of it. The pain is great and the scar of memory is never quite erased even after the passage of years. It is because of these circumstances that the Jewish laws and patterns of mourning are both valuable and necessary. With psychological sensitivity they involve us in actions which we can perform meticulously and thus, in a sense, restore our ability to triumph over circumstances in the moment of life when we feel most helpless. They take decisions out of our hands, when we are least confident to make them, and thus provide the comfort and reassurance which help us once again to say amen to life. The rules of mourning which are briefly summarized below, are suggested normative Conservative practice. Rabbi Adler should be consulted about specific issues. When we diligently follow the Jewish rituals of mourning, we travel through the bewildering territory of grief and mourning on the path toward healing. Observance of Jewish mourning practices also has the effect of instructing our children by example that we respect our loved ones, not only when they are alive, but also after they are dead. They see that the link between generations continues on, both through memory and through time tested Jewish traditions of remembrance such as Yahrzeit and Yizkor. We model for them behavior that will help them when, some day, they will need the support for dealing with their losses.
Customarily, the funeral is held on the day after death occurs though if members of the family must gather from remote places, the funeral may be postponed. The deceased is usually attired in "tachrichim", a white shroud and , in the case of a man, he is further attired in a tallis. The casket should be a simple one. It is not traditional Jewish practice for the family to "receive" well-wishers at the chapel the night before the funeral nor to open the casket before or during service. Traditional Jewish practice requires that one tear his/her garment as a symbol of mourning. Conventional American practice is to don and tear a black ribbon, which is not worn on the Sabbath and need not be worn after Shiva is concluded. Shiva literally means seven (days). The day of the funeral is counted as the first, and one hour of the seventh day, is equal to the seventh. If the seventh day is the Sabbath, then the Shiva terminates about 1:00 PM on Friday. If a major holiday (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Pesach, Shavuot) occurs before the seventh day period is completed, the Shiva is terminated and not resumed. If a minor Jewish holiday occurs within the Shiva period, the Shiva is terminated for the day(s) of the holiday, and Shiva is resumed to the seventh day (unless the holiday occurs on the seventh day, then the Shiva is terminated and not resumed). During Shiva the bereaved remain at home and maintain certain practices designed to express mourning. A candle designed to last for seven days is lit. Mourners sit upon stools or low chairs, mirrors are covered, slippers rather than shoes are worn, and only minimal household duties are performed. Music, TV and radio are not played. A mourner is expected to participate in the morning and afternoon-evening services and to recite the Kaddish at them. A reasonable combination is that mourners attend the synagogue in the morning and participate in a minyan at their home in the evening. The Shiva is intended to enable one to absorb the shock of the loss, and, so, family solidarity and the visits of friends both lend support and divert the mind in a period of great difficulty. Sheloshim literally means thirty (days), and represents the second stage of mourning. It is a period of reduced intensity but, nonetheless, one in which one should refrain from festivities or attending the theater, movies, dances and the like. One may attend a religious service such as a Bar/Bat Mitzvah or a wedding, but not a party other than a kiddush immediately after a Bar/Bat Mitzvah on the Sabbath. In Jewish tradition, mourning for a parent requires an observance of this pattern of restraint for the entire year of mourning. Certainly it should be rigorously maintained for the period of Sheloshim and, thereafter, an individual decision should be made as to when to return to normal practice. The year of mourning really involves an eleven month period, during which a child is obliged to recite Kaddish both morning and evening. Kaddish is always recited at a service at which a minyan is present. The obligation to recite Kaddish rests upon daughters as well as upon sons. Jewish law exempts a daughter from the daily obligation because of her household duties, but it is certainly possible for a woman to attend services on Friday night, Saturday morning and holidays. She should recite the Kaddish at that time. Indeed, it is her obligation to do so. Yahrzeit involves the annual commemoration of the date of death. It is a goad to memory and it is an affirmation that our mind is deliberately attended at least once a year to those whom we have lost. It is observed by lighting a candle on the evening of the Yahrzeit date and allowing it to burn through the day. The Kaddish prayer is recited at the evening service and at the morning and afternoon-evening service of the following day. Observances such as Yahrzeit, Kaddish and Yizkor have, for centuries, linked each generation with those that have gone before, and bound the Jewish people with their history. Jewish tradition contains many customs and practices for the observance of Yahrzeit. These help to preserve the memory of the deceased and to give comfort to those that mourn them. Since time immemorial, the Jew has donated to charity in memory of a deceased relative, and it is particularly appropriate to do so each year, on the Yahrzeit - the anniversary of their passing. Yarzheit Plaque Yizkor is recited four times a year: Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, the eighth day of Pesach, and the second day of Shavuoth. Contrary to popular belief, Yizkor should be said during the first year of mourning. Yizkor service is a series of memorial prayers and is again designed as a goad to memory and as an affirmation of continuity. This is the dedication of a monument at the cemetary. It is usually held near the conclusion of the year of mourning, but can be done at any time after Shloshim, the first thirty days. While the assumption is that a rabbi must be present, a family may meaningfully conduct the service themselves reciting the appropriate prayers. Rabbii Rulnick will be pleased to assist in providing the prayers, most of which can be read in English.
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